also might talk about some heavier stuff so be warned ig ALSO if you know me irl don’t read this.
ive been feeling pretty awful this week . but yesterday was nice. i met some people from twitter i thought they ghosted me at first but after that it was fun we were at a fleamarket thing i didnt buy anything tho. after taking a break from coding im back now i think its good to take some breaks oherways ill get burnout. rn i rlly need to work on my portfolio tho but im so lazyyy god... feeling better tho at lest a bit gotta keep going babyyyy gotta keep grinding boys
nothing really happened the last few days as always since i dont go to school and im home all the time but i got a present from a friend today :3 it came pretty unexpected so i was very happy. there were spicy noodles in it tho idk if can eat those im horrible with spicy food lmao. also southpark has been haunting me again recently. cant escape it.
HOLY SHIT MY INTERNET SUCKS SO BAD i guess this is the price you pay for living in a shitty little german village surroundet by nothing but corn fields and cows this is so twisted
im going to kill java. because of that wretched thing my spamton shimeji doesnt work. what the fuck.
uwa the new cookie run kingdom update is so fun i love halloween :3 i told myself to not get obsessed again but oh well... i have all the cookies now exept for the ancients T_T bruh.. i even pulled cream puff twice... anyways thats literally all i did today lol ALSO MY DAD CALLED ME A HIKIKOMORI???? how does he even know that word... like damn dad let me be a shut in in peace....lol not even accurate tho cause tomorrow ill visit my online friends and stay there for a few days yaspilled
sooooo since i was at my friends house the last few days i didnt update anything but im back now *3° it was rlly fun i love being there ill move to that city in about a year im excited its just so much nicer than living in some shitty isolated village..... here are some "splendid" pictures i took
today was awful lmao i cried for like 3 hours i hope my mom gets hit by a bus but on the bright side... actually there is no bright side uhmmmm gotta keep grinding tho *flexes huge brain* *laughs maniacally* its always like this tho when i was away for some time and i get back home im instantly like oh ^_^ right
i would give up ever being happy again if it meant i didnt need to feel like this. i wish i was emotionless i dont know what to do anymore and theres no one who could help me. i just want to sleep. i dont want to feel disgusting anymore. i hope that when i wake up tomorrow ill laugh at how emo i sound here but i honestly dont think that will happen. no matter what i do everything is getting worse and worse and there is no way out not even dying. when did i become such a hateful person? i want to rip my skin off. there is no way to romantisize these feelings. i just look pathetic.
update: i just woke up at 3pm and i am laughing at how emo i sound. i dont feel better tho i feel just as bad. also i had a dream about bigmouth wich makes everything worse.
i feel a bit better now (mostly cause im distracting myself lol). didnt rlly do anything the last week tho. i got my portfolio reviewed by a teacher and thogh i got some critisism obv he said that i have a pretty good chance to get in yay, i was gonna do illustration but i think gamedesign makes more sense and the teacher dude said it would be better for me. i mean i wanna work on games after uni anyways soooo,,, so ive been working on making some more game graphics and stuff to put in my portfolio. he said he liked the pic with my OCs best lol he said i should expand on that lololol little does he know.... so yea im a bit more motivated now. the little test shop game thingy was for that too btw.
my new laptop arrived today. not completely sure if i like it or not tbh cause its a macbook and im used to windows... my brain isnt the greatest when it comes to getting used to new things. but even if i dont use it that much its nice to code while in bed and it will be very handy when i go to uni i think. god i hope i get accepted but im working rlly hard on my portfolio. either way ill probably move out next year wich is cool also scary tbh. im mostly overwhelmed with having to find a roommate and a flat. im excited to decorate my room and to make breakfast. im horrible at cooking. a menace. but im pretty good at breakfast food and baking. dude. i just realized that this laptop has an auto correct bar like a phone ? lol weird.... its like a small touchscreen on the keyboard...
actually coding with my laptop is kinda hard.... i think maybe cause i dont have a mouse. also regretting some of my layout choices for this site T_T it all looks good on my pc but gets fucked so easily if the screen size is a bit different on other devices. but i cant change it anymore so uhhh whatever ig. also im sorta burned out rn. working on my OC game stuff for my portfolio is just rlly draining and spending tooo much time thinking about my characters makes me doubt myself on everything like godddd how can u be this cringe??? i have this a lot tho i just need a little break probably. (but i have so much to dooo wahhhh;_;) still. i need to chill 4 a bit and distract myself . uhhh
got some totoro earphones i dont care that much for ghibli stuff but theyre rlly cute. i mean they suck cause i got them from the dollarstore but ehh whatever. also trying to get get out of this burnout stage by maybe working on a different game concept. also also weirdly im in a Christmas mood for the first time in like 6 years? lol idk why
rant about old friends incoming:
when i left school i lost contact with my friend (she used to be my best friend but i wouldnt call her that anymore). it wasnt surprising at all i expected it for years put its still disappointing that she hasnt messaged me once and just completely replaced me with some girl (who sucks btw she almost dated a nazi :/ i hate her). it doesnt bother me that she’s not in my life anymore it bothers me that i never got closure or a satisfying end. it ruins everything. i havent seen her in so long that i replaced her with the version of her that i se in my dreams all the time (yup i keep having dreams where i confront her about all the things that bother me ). and all the positive memories we had are just filled with bitternes. i bet she forgot about me. i wish i didnt care maybe its just some need for control that I want to be the one who leaves her on read or whatever but its making me crazy that im so mad at her while shes probably having fun with that brainless nazi apologist girl and doesnt think about me once. idc if its petty but i just want her to know that im doing better than her at least im not stuck at school anymore and move out next year and that i dont even care that all my friendships seem to be onesidet. im just sick of being taken for granted by everyone and disregarded as soon as they find someone new i just want a meaningful friendship for once. someone who actually gives a shit about me. is it really too crazy for someone to go out of their way to hang out with me? its this stupid piece of shit towns fault anyways you cant be happy here its literally not possible it just sucks the life directly out of your blood. whatever i hate her. WHATEVER i just wished i could have kept the nice memories. im acting cringe again.
i admire artists who draw ugly on purpose so much. like geneuenly. i always feel so trapped in my style i have such high standarts for me and im always scared of being cringe or others not getting my vision. im so bored of how my drawings look. i wish i could just do what i want freely without worrying about anything. in geneal i dont always want to be so negative but i dont know how to stop when i talk too much about things im happy about im scared ill jinx it and theyll turn bad. that happens a lot to me. either way i feel bad.... i just always try to distract myself i wish i had friends here. i usually feel good when im around friends.
listen i know no one cares about my dumb movie/series reviews but theyre so fun and i like sharing my opinion ok ;_; ? most people like the wikis i think... i wanna make more eventually but im just pretty busy rn sorry. i dont think anyone reads these logs either lol. but well maybe that for the better i do get very Personal in here. but honestly i dont mind if strangers know these things rip to my mysterious online persona tho lol.
its the season to fantasize about wandering a snowy forest with someone cool and based
i wake up 7pm then go to sleep at 10am and all i do is draw and listen to music check out my insufferable playlist im jealous of people with good music taste tbh i feels like your immediately wayyy cooler and more attractive if you have sick playlists. just a rule of the universe. my taste is that of an annoying gay teen. wich is fitting i suppose.
guess whos burned out again (me) i feel like every other week i get stuff done and the next im just a rotting corpse. my head feels so full i wanna inject it with dish soap and eat a sponge. ya get it. its all sludgy....
ill never forgive tiktok for ruining my fav songs. yes i know how pretentious that sounds but COME ON you know its true! its just not the same after. tiktok is a disease in general... good news is that i finished my portfolio (for now) tho! o ne thing less to worry about..kinda. other bad news is i feel like im getting rehomestuckified (yea im an ex homestuck if it wasnt obvious lol) when you think ya got rid of the little stink he hits you over the head with a mallet. sollux dude... theres just something about him that gives me brainworms.i think i just like gross gamer guys. well if i actually get accepted into uni for gamedesign there will be a shit load of them lmao theres gotta be atleast one chill one i can be friends with. incel pride *heart eyes*
anyways look at this creature i baked today
its a bit snowy outside... i like that. i never rlly got people who liked winter but i do now. its nice i guess.
you can kinda see the cows outside... my main problem is that its too cold to wear shorts outside. yes i am indeed one of those mfs who show up with the cargo shorts in a blizzard. usually it doesnt bother me cause i wore long socks to keep me warm but i dont do that anymore (it looks dumb on me) so now im no longer shielded from the cold. its not that i hate long pants its just impossible to find any that fit me ive been searching for years but no luck... theyre always either huge on me or look fucking stupid ;_; i wish i didnt look like this. i especially notice it when im next to other guys my age i look like some low level darksouls enemy. im not like super short (5'9 is average...right? o_o) but i just look sickly as fuck...like a twig... hopefully i can gain some weight in the future :/ god knows i wont start working out lmao. also i made french toast for the first time today! it was pretty good
about the website: im very happy to have found this new hobby. always doing art is boring to me i just love creating in general i love making dolls, videos, games, writing, comics.... anything visual tbh. i wish i could music too but yea,, i def tried but i suck at it. Absolutely no talent. its ok tho im good at other things. i also love showing them to others idk i never rlly was the kinda guy to make stuff only for me (mostly) its more fun if others enjoy them too (also i enjoy the attention hehe). i think thats what my main goal with my art i want others to care abt it. i want people to get attached to my characters. hmmm well a website helps with that i think. i love the kind of sites where you can dig in them for hours and find lots of things (ranfren is def a big inspiration for me lol). someone commented on my instagram that they looked at my site for an hour that made me rlly happy. that was when there was way less stuff on it too. kinda wished i had known more abt html sooner tho. i wouldve made the layout different with more iframes because the way it is now Doesn’t work well on different devices and browsers but its too late to fix now. mannnn im totally rambling but whatever... i wanna make more videos rn. maybe a sketchbook tour or idk just random shit.
also crazy how the year is almost over?? wth. i know everyone says that every year but it still feels weird. i have no sense of time at all in general but especially since im home all the time this year. feels like forever but also super fast. i already forgot what school is like lol i lost all connection i had with this town. next year i will move out and go to uni (hopefully lol i dont wanna jinx it) thats crazy... i rlly want to but also i hope i can handle it i mean thats a lot and i feel like i rely on my dad too much ik what to do without him. also what abt therapy ? i cant drive here every week ig ill have to find a new one or stop going. i dont think i should stop tho especially in such a stressful time. and i have many mental issues that wont ever go away. hm well we will see ig. also also! i finally found some pants that sorta fit me! lol
im bored... -.-
i used to like lables for myself but now they majorly piss me off. its not that there isnt a definition thats fitting for what i am but it just comes with so many stereotypes and expectations... also feel incredibly alienated from the community in general. feels like eventho i fit the description i dont belong there and they dont want me there either. maybe im just bitter lol but i never go to pride events they freak me out (as in i dont like crowds and its scary and i dont like the people there). its probably a mix of multiple factors. also online queer spaces are annoying as fuck no offense but its just a bunch of stupid discourse and everyone is exactly the same person. but yeah thats why i never use prideflags or anything, i just dont feel represented by it. im not trying to hate on the community either i meannnn you probably know what im talking abt here. thats just my thoughts. im a dude and i like other dudes thats all you need to know
on another note... anyone else get attached to random abstract things? im super attached to pngs lmao like png images... jpegs piss me off but pngs are awesome. also chrome browser (fuck fire fox). they feel cozy to me idk. i always view things like that as if they have a personality or something. its kinda stupid lol
its cold as fuck in my room but i keep getting heatwaves cause of my meds.. eugh -.-
sometimes i wonder if there are people out there who have parasocial relationships with me... i mean probably not cause i dont have many followers but then again maybe that makes me more approachable? i guess since i overshare so much it would be pretty easy to feel close to me. i think its an interesting concept to think about cause i would never know. i dont know they exist. if youre reading this and feel like were besties this is for you: "hello stranger". i like it when people interact with me online but im bad at responding... especially when theyre trying to be friends. like sorry but i dont know you if i agree to being friends who knows what ill get into. also i dont like having active online friendships with people outside of germany. not that i didnt try but it just ehhh doesnt rlly work out. i like being mutuals tho and commenting on each others posts and stuff. ok i got sidetracked lol what i meant to say is idk how to react when random people are overly uhmmm pushy? thats not the word im looking for... i mean when a single person actively tries to be my friend online i get overwhelmed.nothing personal. man im bad with words today. feel like i repeated myself at least 20 times...
im so fucking booorreeddd ughhhdjhfdhjwwww. i mean theres some stuff i could do sure but i dont feel like it. it feels like im waiting for an event to happen but theres nothing. also my parents are around to much wich always makes me tense. cant walk around the house without running into one of them. theres nothing i could rlly write abt either i just feel like eughhh. Impatient and restless but also lazy as fuck i cant even get out of bed. i wanna meet friends i think but theyre all busy. also i want attention. lol.
honestly the concept of swearing is so weird to me. i feel like its different in german vs in english too cause we dont have words like frick or darn or whatever. those are so stupid to me like either you swear properly or dont do it at all whats the point? whats so bad about those words anyway if youre not calling people them then its not hurting anyone. like oh nooo i stubbed my toe and said fuck! how horrible! not even trying to sound edgy or anything like i genuinely dont get it... kinda funny tho like humans created these words just to get mad over them lol.
kinda scared of falling back into my old habit of caring too much abt social media numbers... i cant escape it. greedy mf. its just so addictive.
EUGHHHH i just sent my final portfolio to the school... now i shall erase its existence from my brain lest i go insane waiting for the response ^_^! wish me luck guys... spreading positive vibes today for good karma...luv u guys..
also kinda wanna change the index design... idk im just not that happy with it anymore its too easy to tell i made it back when i didnt know shit abt html & css .... but that would be lots of work :/ edit: ok i did it anyways lol i think it looks wayyy better now! it has more of that robot vibe that i wanted in the first place. was a pain in the ass tho ngl it took like 5 hours... some things are still a bit broken but ehhh itll be fine.
lol isnt this a funny date...its only 2 and 1. giggling so hard right now. Anyways its still stressing me out that my parents are home all the time. i dont like it. well heres a comic about my meds:
i wish it would snow again. everything is just damp and gross outside :/... at least i feel like my writing is improving, all my recent updates involved a lot of text and its still pretty difficult for me to write in english (well actually in german too... its both hard for different reasons). i wonder if people actually read my stuff? i know some of the texts are pretty long. but im happy if anyone cares about my universe at all. i kinda wanna separate myself as a person from my characters. People always say "i like your characters" (wich is totally fine ofc) but i wish they didnt see them as my OCs but instead just as random characters...idk if that makes any sense at all.. to achieve that i probably would have to actually make a comic or game tho wich isn’t gonna happen anytime soon. and ill probably should stop posting stuff abt myself but ehhh i dont wanna. i might make his log more hidden tho. its for the best if i stay more anonymous i think....so i wont make a face reveal. eventho i made one multiple times on instagram lol. but yea there was a time where people only followed me for my appearance and i do NOT miss it.(that was on my german accounts on the web,i dont use any of them anymore. i even had 6k on tiktok once. gross. i hated it) i only want people to care abt my art.
feeling a little crazy again... like theres multible people mixed into one inside me and i dont know wich one is the real me...also literally everything stresses me out like talking to anyone, social media idk im just always paranoid for no reason i feel like something bad is about to happen. but we gotta keep going gamers ^^...yessss
merry Christmas to everyone else: an unmerry christmas lol. i got one of those LED keyboards and a new headset and a gengar plush (and some cash from the other relatives) since im trying to get good karma i even visited my family (usually i stay home), grandma was happy to see me. my uncle who lives sorta far away was also there...i used to really like him as a kid but we didnt talk at all today. when you get older they dont go out of their way to interact anymore cause youre not cute anymore...cant blame them tho im not exactly approachable. i thought he would bring his dog but he didnt that was the worst thing actually. i know its my own fault for never showing up to family meetings but pretty much all of them lost interest in me now that there are a bunch of new little kids. not complaining, id rather be left alone anyways but it is a little sad i guess it feels like they gave up on me or something. doesnt help that my little cousin has the exact same birthday as me so everyone always visits him instead of me. but i never liked family birthday parties so im kinda glad.
i wanna work on this site but rn im not sure what else to add? other than updating things i pretty much already have everything. maybe a page for my dolls? idk...i know i should be drawing new things but im not rlly in a drawing mood. im not in the mood for anything really i feel super weak. i always get dizzy when i leave my bed...and i keep having upsetting dreams. ALSO SORRY FOR WRITING ALL THE LORE AS DIARIES/LOGS i know thats like the lamest way of world building but ehhhhh i suck at writing
happy new year everyone! its freaky as fuck tho i feel like its still november... THIS YEAR WERE GONNA BE ON THE GRINDSET THO GAMERS were all going to be happy and try new things and uhh be appreaciated! yup! i know it!
for some reason im having some issues with background images not showing up. ig the person i got them from changed the link so i had to replace some...so if a page is just black thats why. i miss my friendssss i wanna meet them againnnn,,,, i mean i can soon- like maybe in a week or so. i rlly need some change of pace rn its getting super boring and im being all nervous over dumb shit again that always happens when im online too much.
going outside again for the first time in weeks is weird. feels surreal ig i really am a shut in. even if it was just for a doctors appointment. and also my art classes started again but as always its very boring...we just painted tree bark with water color wooooow so exciting. it sorta turned out alright but eh i just dont like watercolors i dont like using themn and i also dont like the look of them. also sorry for not updating as much this week im sorta taking a break to do other things i dont wanna get burnout again. also tbh im not sure what to add rn... also off topic but i miss having one letsplayer i always watch... every time a new game comes out i never know where to watch it and it rlly annoys me for some reason. i dont care much for any of the popular ones like markiplier or whatever.
my portfolio got accepted :DDDDD!!!1!! now i still have to do the test thingie... hope ill do well (wish me luck) but that should be easier than making a whole portfolio. i think ill do it next week probably hmmmm.
no log in a long time- sorry lol but i dont think anyone reads these so who cares. anyways nothing interesting happened the last few weeks so i didn’t feel the need to write anything. BUT! i officially got accepted into university! im very glad abt that but it wasnt as exciting of a moment as i had hoped months ago lol. mostly cause in my head i was already in when the portfolio was accepted and the last test was somewhat lame but hey- i don’t have to worry anymore. Honestly i Didn’t have a choice i HAD to be accepted cause that uni was my first/only choice and idk what i would’ve done otherwise. hmmm feeling sort of weird abt my art lately. like i need to be humbled. but then again i would probably loose all my spirit if that actually happened. my brain is just weird that way idk ever since i was a child i was told how amazing and talented i am at art, ive never received a genuine critique. listen- i am very critical of my work and i know there is a LOT that needs improvement but idk how well i could handle if someone like a teacher thought it sucks with actual arguments that make sense. cause im incredibly scared of rejection lol especially when it comes to something as personal as my art im completely Vulnerable. (it has to do with my personality disorders probably lol). but yea im often super scared of them hating it but it never Actually happened, everyone always loves my art. i know that should be a good thing but it scares me like one day it’s gonna somehow turn on me. but maybe im just being paranoid again. but yea that why i feel like i need to be humbled i feel like im some amazing artist when i know im not that good. that doesnt make any sense i know but i genuinely feel like im the best and the worst at the same time. like when i go to art classes im scared i wont be good enough and i will get embarrassed but i end up being the best anyways... but it doesnt feel right... am i just average and everyone else sucks?? whats goingbon mannn. idk. i dont wanna sound like some kind of Narcissist I KNOW IM NOT THAT GOOD. yet i feel like i need to be the BEST at art and the only reason i still do it is because i AM the best! (wich i know im not actually but i still feel like it ugh this is so confusing).... its another reason why i try to be as original as possible cause if your the only one doing something your by default the best at it. im probably really just like that cause i got praised too much as a kid or something. in Elementary school i got a Certificate for having the best grades in the entire school and i didnt even have to try. after that in middle school it became more difficult obviously (also the mental illness and undiagnosed adhd, autismn etc started kicking in lmao) so the first few years i was that mf who would cry if they got a B+. After that i stopped caring abt school since i wasnt a "gifted kid" anymore and my grades were more average. But i was still the best at art stuff and could never meet anyone close to me irl (eventho my art was ass back then loll) so i just completely fixated on that? dont get me wrong i LOVE art it’s genuenly a huge passion but if i wasn’t naturally talented at it i dont think i would be nearly as invested. Jesus that turned into a whole as autobiography... yea well still lately ive been trying to learn how o make music and it just rlly once again showed to me how much i cant handle being bad at stuff. its just so dDiscouraging... why cant i be good at it.. the thing is i do think talent exists sure hard work can bring you far but in the end you’ll never be as good as someone who just has a feel for it. i have a feel for visuals not music i fucking suck at it :/.
eh but enaugh abt that rant... ill be visiting my friend again today :) that’ll be nice he said hed make rice and tofu for me :D that means probably no updates the next few days tho. but they’ve been more sporadic anyways lately so no big diff.
okay actually i take everything i said in my previous entry back lmao my art is absolute trash. Anyway- staying at my friends place was very fun as always ^^. i missed coding...and i couldnt draw a lot cause i forgot my charger but im back now.
looked back on old art today and damn that stuff looks horrendous LMAO but that means i improved a lot! so it’s a good thing! fr i felt like 2021 was some kind of renaissance (actually that would imply that my art was good before then got bad and then good again sooo....nvm bad analogy lol) but im so glad i left school cause i improved so much. i also reread the old comic and boyyy does it suck but it’s interesting at least (also still weirdly charming somehow ) but yea the characters were really different mainly morti was way more bossy wich is so uncharacteristic for him. also olive had more of a short temper too. very weird. also the art looked sooo bad and i made the most insane spelling mistakes (i spelled embarrassed as embarrest????how.) but ngl tho i still do that sometimes. anyways... crazy how "far" i got in ca 1 1/2 years. hmmmm i blame the autism.
i love people who genuinely do their own thing, its endlessly inspiring. idk most art looks visually nice but doesn’t affect me much but i love when you can tell that someone just draws for themselves and it’s just some weird sorta ugly shit you know. It’s awesome. i know ive said this before but i hope i can get to that level one day where im no longer dependent on preexisting standarts. or i no longer feel like im a shittier copy of someone else. but idk if that will ever happen im too selfconcios and i always jinx everything (like when i said i was very good at art now i feel like i suck again idk like if i think too highly of myself i'll get worse).
genuinely dont know whether im a good person or not. i mean i guess thats sort of philosophical what even is a good person but im not getting into that. if its enough to not inconvenience or influence others in a negative way i guess id be a pretty good person but idk. only reason im terrified of upsetting others is because im scared they wont like me anymore not really because i care abt their feelings. so its selfish. and then theres general confusing things like intrusive thoughts, i know they dont reflect who you are cause your brain Purposefully comes up with the grossest things but it sure makes you feel like a piece of shit. or just in general i behave like an insane person all the time even if others don’t notice but idk if it’s cause of all the disorders going or if im just an asshole or both. like i wish i could just chill for one second and have complete silence in my brain.
nothing interesting is happening rn
trying not to kms challenge (hard mode)