also might talk about some heavier stuff so be warned ig
ive been feeling pretty awful this week . but yesterday was nice. i met some people from twitter i thought they ghosted me at first but after that it was fun we were at a fleamarket thing i didnt buy anything tho. after taking a break from coding im back now i think its good to take some breaks oherways ill get burnout. rn i rlly need to work on my portfolio tho but im so lazyyy god... feeling better tho at lest a bit gotta keep going babyyyy gotta keep grinding boys
nothing really happened the last few days as always since i dont go to school and im home all the time but i got a present from a friend today :3 it came pretty unexpected so i was very happy. there were spicy noodles in it tho idk if can eat those im horrible with spicy food lmao. also southpark has been haunting me again recently. cant escape it.
HOLY SHIT MY INTERNET SUCKS SO BAD i guess this is the price you pay for living in a shitty little german village surroundet by nothing but corn fields and cows this is so twisted
im going to kill java. because of that wretched thing my spamton shimeji doesnt work. what the fuck.
uwa the new cookie run kingdom update is so fun i love halloween :3 i told myself to not get obsessed again but oh well... i have all the cookies now exept for the ancients T_T bruh.. i even pulled cream puff twice... anyways thats literally all i did today lol ALSO MY DAD CALLED ME A HIKIKOMORI???? how does he even know that word... like damn dad let me be a shut in in peace....lol not even accurate tho cause tomorrow ill visit my online friends and stay there for a few days yaspilled
sooooo since i was at my friends house the last few days i didnt update anything but im back now *3° it was rlly fun i love being there ill move to that city in about a year im excited its just so much nicer than living in some shitty isolated village..... here are some "splendid" pictures i took
today was awful lmao i cried for like 3 hours i hope my mom gets hit by a bus but on the bright side... actually there is no bright side uhmmmm gotta keep grinding tho *flexes huge brain* *laughs maniacally* its always like this tho when i was away for some time and i get back home im instantly like oh ^_^ right
i would give up ever being happy again if it meant i didnt need to feel like this. i wish i was emotionless i dont know what to do anymore and theres no one who could help me. i just want to sleep. i dont want to feel disgusting anymore. i hope that when i wake up tomorrow ill laugh at how emo i sound here but i honestly dont think that will happen. no matter what i do everything is getting worse and worse and there is no way out not even dying. when did i become such a hateful person? i want to rip my skin off. there is no way to romantisize these feelings. i just look pathetic.
update: i just woke up at 3pm and i am laughing at how emo i sound. i dont feel better tho i feel just as bad. also i had a dream about bigmouth wich makes everything worse.
i feel a bit better now (mostly cause im distracting myself lol). didnt rlly do anything the last week tho. i got my portfolio reviewed by a teacher and thogh i got some critisism obv he said that i have a pretty good chance to get in yay, i was gonna do illustration but i think gamedesign makes more sense and the teacher dude said it would be better for me. i mean i wanna work on games after uni anyways soooo,,, so ive been working on making some more game graphics and stuff to put in my portfolio. he said he liked the pic with my OCs best lol he said i should expand on that lololol little does he know.... so yea im a bit more motivated now. the little test shop game thingy was for that too btw.
my new laptop arrived today. not completely sure if i like it or not tbh cause its a macbook and im used to windows... my brain isnt the greatest when it comes to getting used to new things. but even if i dont use it that much its nice to code while in bed and it will be very handy when i go to uni i think. god i hope i get accepted but im working rlly hard on my portfolio. either way ill probably move out next year wich is cool also scary tbh. im mostly overwhelmed with having to find a roommate and a flat. im excited to decorate my room and to make breakfast. im horrible at cooking. a menace. but im pretty good at breakfast food and baking. dude. i just realized that this laptop has an auto correct bar like a phone ? lol weird.... its like a small touchscreen on the keyboard...
actually coding with my laptop is kinda hard.... i think maybe cause i dont have a mouse. also regretting some of my layout choices for this site T_T it all looks good on my pc but gets fucked so easily if the screen size is a bit different on other devices. but i cant change it anymore so uhhh whatever ig. also im sorta burned out rn. working on my OC game stuff for my portfolio is just rlly draining and spending tooo much time thinking about my characters makes me doubt myself on everything like godddd how can u be this cringe??? i have this a lot tho i just need a little break probably. (but i have so much to dooo wahhhh;_;) still. i need to chill 4 a bit and distract myself . uhhh
got some totoro earphones i dont care that much for ghibli stuff but theyre rlly cute. i mean they suck cause i got them from the dollarstore but ehh whatever. also trying to get get out of this burnout stage by maybe working on a different game concept. also also weirdly im in a Christmas mood for the first time in like 6 years? lol idk why
rant about old friends incoming:
when i left school i lost contact with my friend (she used to be my best friend but i wouldnt call her that anymore). it wasnt surprising at all i expected it for years put its still disappointing that she hasnt messaged me once and just completely replaced me with some girl (who sucks btw she almost dated a nazi :/ i hate her). it doesnt bother me that she’s not in my life anymore it bothers me that i never got closure or a satisfying end. it ruins everything. i havent seen her in so long that i replaced her with the version of her that i se in my dreams all the time (yup i keep having dreams where i confront her about all the things that bother me ). and all the positive memories we had are just filled with bitternes. i bet she forgot about me. i wish i didnt care maybe its just some need for control that I want to be the one who leaves her on read or whatever but its making me crazy that im so mad at her while shes probably having fun with that brainless nazi apologist girl and doesnt think about me once. idc if its petty but i just want her to know that im doing better than her at least im not stuck at school anymore and move out next year and that i dont even care that all my friendships seem to be onesidet. im just sick of being taken for granted by everyone and disregarded as soon as they find someone new i just want a meaningful friendship for once. someone who actually gives a shit about me. is it really too crazy for someone to go out of their way to hang out with me? its this stupid piece of shit towns fault anyways you cant be happy here its literally not possible it just sucks the life directly out of your blood.
whatever i hate her. WHATEVER i just wished i could have kept the nice memories. im acting cringe again.
i admire artists who draw ugly on purpose so much. like geneuenly. i always feel so trapped in my style i have such high standarts for me and im always scared of being cringe or others not getting my vision. im so bored of how my drawings look. i wish i could just do what i want freely without worrying about anything. in geneal i dont always want to be so negative but i dont know how to stop when i talk too much about things im happy about im scared ill jinx it and theyll turn bad. that happens a lot to me. either way i feel bad.... i just always try to distract myself i wish i had friends here. i usually feel good when im around friends.
listen i know no one cares about my dumb movie/series reviews but theyre so fun and i like sharing my opinion ok ;_; ? most people like the wikis i think... i wanna make more eventually but im just pretty busy rn sorry. i dont think anyone reads these logs either lol. but well maybe that for the better i do get very Personal in here. but honestly i dont mind if strangers know these things rip to my mysterious online persona tho lol.
its the season to fantasize about wandering a snowy forest with someone cool and based
i wake up 7pm then go to sleep at 10am and all i do is draw and listen to music check out my insufferable playlist im jealous of people with good music taste tbh i feels like your immediately wayyy cooler and more attractive if you have sick playlists. just a rule of the universe. my taste is that of an annoying gay teen. wich is fitting i suppose.
guess whos burned out again (me) i feel like every other week i get stuff done and the next im just a rotting corpse. my head feels so full i wanna inject it with dish soap and eat a sponge. ya get it. its all sludgy....
ill never forgive tiktok for ruining my fav songs. yes i know how pretentious that sounds but COME ON you know its true! its just not the same after. tiktok is a disease in general... good news is that i finished my portfolio (for now) tho! o ne thing less to worry about..kinda. other bad news is i feel like im getting rehomestuckified (yea im an ex homestuck if it wasnt obvious lol) when you think ya got rid of the little stink he hits you over the head with a mallet. sollux dude... theres just something about him that gives me brainworms.i think i just like gross gamer guys. well if i actually get accepted into uni for gamedesign there will be a shit load of them lmao theres gotta be atleast one chill one i can be friends with. incel pride *heart eyes*
anyways look at this creature i baked today
its a bit snowy outside... i like that. i never rlly got people who liked winter but i do now. its nice i guess.
you can kinda see the cows outside... my main problem is that its too cold to wear shorts outside. yes i am indeed one of those mfs who show up with the cargo shorts in a blizzard. usually it doesnt bother me cause i wore long socks to keep me warm but i dont do that anymore (it looks dumb on me) so now im no longer shielded from the cold. its not that i hate long pants its just impossible to find any that fit me ive been searching for years but no luck... theyre always either huge on me or look fucking stupid ;_; i wish i didnt look like this. i especially notice it when im next to other guys my age i look like some low level darksouls enemy. im not like super short (5'9 is average...right? o_o) but i just look sickly as fuck...like a twig... hopefully i can gain some weight in the future :/ god knows i wont start working out lmao. also i made french toast for the first time today! it was pretty good
about the website: im very happy to have found this new hobby. always doing art is boring to me i just love creating in general i love making dolls, videos, games, writing, comics.... anything visual tbh. i wish i could music too but yea,, i def tried but i suck at it. Absolutely no talent. its ok tho im good at other things. i also love showing them to others idk i never rlly was the kinda guy to make stuff only for me (mostly) its more fun if others enjoy them too (also i enjoy the attention hehe). i think thats what my main goal with my art i want others to care abt it. i want people to get attached to my characters. hmmm well a website helps with that i think. i love the kind of sites where you can dig in them for hours and find lots of things (ranfren is def a big inspiration for me lol). someone commented on my instagram that they looked at my site for an hour that made me rlly happy. that was when there was way less stuff on it too. kinda wished i had known more abt html sooner tho. i wouldve made the layout different with more iframes because the way it is now Doesn’t work well on different devices and browsers but its too late to fix now. mannnn im totally rambling but whatever... i wanna make more videos rn. maybe a sketchbook tour or idk just random shit.
also crazy how the year is almost over?? wth. i know everyone says that every year but it still feels weird. i have no sense of time at all in general but especially since im home all the time this year. feels like forever but also super fast. i already forgot what school is like lol i lost all connection i had with this town. next year i will move out and go to uni (hopefully lol i dont wanna jinx it) thats crazy... i rlly want to but also i hope i can handle it i mean thats a lot and i feel like i rely on my dad too much ik what to do without him. also what abt therapy ? i cant drive here every week ig ill have to find a new one or stop going. i dont think i should stop tho especially in such a stressful time. and i have many mental issues that wont ever go away. hm well we will see ig. also also! i finally found some pants that sorta fit me! lol
im bored... -.-